Humor

Church Humor

Church Bulletin Bloopers
~ For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: There will be no Moms who care this week.
~ A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the usher appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please come to the church office.
~ The ladies in the style show will meet with their dresses down in front after morning worship.
~ A worm welcome to all who have come today.
~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"
~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information
sheep.
~ Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.
~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
~ Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
~ We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
~ Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows
~ Child care provided with reservations.
~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."
~ Janet Smith has volunteered to strip, and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
~ Were you there when they laid Him in the bomb?
~ Christ is a member of Boy Scout Troop 36.
~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.
~ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me drink.
~ We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of Jesus Christ.
~ The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
~ The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Baines.
~ Boars of Trustees meet after church today.
~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
~ Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour
~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.
~ The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00pm.
~ Women in the Word starts next week. There are several different studies to choose from. Ladies, make sure you sign up for a stud before next week

Church Marquee Signs

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Under same management for over 2000 years!
Soul food served here.
Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.
It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?
A clear conscience make a soft pillow.
The wages of sin is death.
Repent before payday.
Never give the devil a ride.
He will always want to drive.
Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!
Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.
To belittle is to be little.
Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
God answers knee-mail.
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

You may know some Lutherans and may have wondered what they believe.
The following list was compiled by a 20th Century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:

1) Lutherans believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray out loud
2) Lutherans like to sing except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four verses.
3) Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital even if
they don't notify them that they are there.
4) Lutherans will usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
5) Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
6) Lutherans feel that applauding for their children's choirs would make them too proud and conceited.
7) Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while "passing the peace."
8) Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
9) Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.
10) Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
11) Lutherans are willing to pay up to a dollar for a meal at church.
12) Lutherans think that Garrison Keeler stories are totally factual.
13) Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle hot dish adds too much color.
14) Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

You know you're a Lutheran when...

- You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can.
- It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
- Doughnuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
- The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.
- All your relatives graduated from a college named Concordia.
- You watch a "Star Wars" movie and when they say, "May the Force be with you," you respond, "and also with you."
- You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN.
- And lastly, it takes 10 minutes to say "good-bye."

NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDEES!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday"

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in.
"There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.
"Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!

Hope to see you there!

To show the weaknesses of those excuses, someone has compiled humorous list called “Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash.”

1) I was forced to wash as a child.
2) People who wash are hypocrites – they think they're cleaner than others.
3) There are so many kinds of soap, I could never decide which was right.
4) I used to wash, but it got boring.
5) I wash only on Christmas or Easter.
6) None of my friends wash.
7) I’ll start washing when I'm older.
8) I really don’t have time.
9) The bathroom isn't warm enough.
10) People who make soap are only after your money.

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that had 17 different messages from God.

1.) Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2.) C'mon Over and Bring The Kids - God
3.) What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4.) We Need To Talk – God
5.) Keep Using My Name in Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer – God
6.) Loved the Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage – God
7.) That “Love Thy Neighbor” Thing, I Meant It. – God
8.) I Love You… I Love You… I Love You… - God
9.) Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? – God
10.) Follow Me. – God
11.) Big Bang Theory, You've Got to Be Kidding. – God
12.) My Way Is The Highway. – God
13.) Need Directions? – God
14.) You Think It's Hot Here? – God
15.) Tell The Kids I Love Them. – God
16.) Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. – God
17.) Have you read My #1 Best Seller? – God

Thou Shalt Not...
Preparing the congregation for a profound sermon can be a bit of a chore, as one minister discovered.
He told his flock, "Next week, I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a "show of hands" as to how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters.
"I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Children

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord,please don't let me be late! ...But don't shove me either."

One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now Allay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

Trinity United Lutheran Church

Trinity
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Lutheran
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